Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Answer To Everything

  I HAVE A SMALL DICK, read the message written in dust on the Jetta's back window. Van Man looked down onto the car from his van's high perch. He was in the midst of Valley rush-hour traffic and the heat was on. The message was hard to read. He first thought it said I HAVE A SMASH DICK. He was not sure if that was shorthand for "smashing dick" or if it was part of the new sex lingo. Van Man had heard the new breed use phrases like "I need to smash" and "we smashed" when they referred to fucking. Smash meant fuck to many of the millennials.
  Van Man had worked the day away on a construction gig with Big Jim, an Irishman from Missouri with a shock of hair as red as the ass of Satan. The two dug trenches of dirt and chopped down trees with chainsaws. It was October, the month of horror. Van Man thought the chainsaw use apropos for the season. The day ended and the two collected their pay. Van Man said goodbye to Big Jim and watched as the Irishman got into his own red van and drove away. Van Man and Big Jim were van people. This was understood.
  The ride home was a brief history of time while The Sun beat down. Van Man's mind raced though time and space. All the way to the Big Bang and beyond. He was certain he was close to the revelation of the great mystery of life. It all came down to pattern and repetition. In the beginning was the Big Bang. But that was not the beginning. It was the end. The Universe had contracted to the most infinitesimal point. This point of space harvested incalculable pressure and The Big Bang happened. The Van Man grew more excited with the next revelation. Before the Universe contracted it expanded. It had been in expansion for billions of years just like it was in Van Man's time. And it expanded from a Big Bang. That Big Bang was caused by a Universe contracting before it. And so on and so on. Time and space expanded and contracted. Expansion and contraction. Over and over like a heart beat. And there was the answer. The Van Man had realized that he was a small part of a truly organic thing. A large beast of some kind. He and the Universe were similar to Dennis Quaid's pilot in Innerspace. Just a tiny thing that floated around inside an enormous being. Was this God? Did this mean there was a God? Was this the clue to how to save the world? Van Man was on the cusp of the discovery when a much more important discovery occurred. AC/DC had just released their brand new single from their brand new album. And it rocked.
  Van Man was satisfied with his discovery and he drove to the coffee shop to take in the brand new sound. The Sun gave way to the Moon and the Stars shined. The Van Man listened to new rock from old legends and all seemed complete with the world.

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